Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.






Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

wpr;181632Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

I put this on Lydia (14 yr old) Facebook wall a few weeks ago. I received a very sarcastic, "thanks DAD!".

Zero2Cool;181633I put this on Lydia (14 yr old) Facebook wall a few weeks ago. I received a very sarcastic, "thanks DAD!".

Good one DAD.
[thumbup]

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b!tch.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Fighting for peace is like f-ing for virginity.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

wpr;181922If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

That would only be wrong if you're trying to conceive. Otherwise, it's great birth control.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

You know what the number one cause of forest fires is???




TREES!!!
Get rid of the damn trees, and you wouldn't have any more forest fires!!!

Kind of like the No. 1 cause of divorce is marriage, eh?

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.